Looking out for the mental well-being of my kids

"I didn't have a good day today."

"Oh dear Jane, what happened?" I asked sincerely whilst being aware that we should already be in the bath. Bathing with our six year old daughter is as much a practical as bonding thing in our house.  We've three kids so it's any easy way to save the water and all that.  I also find it's a time without TV,  iPads, toys etc and we can actually chat.

"Emma said I couldn't play with her or our friends.  I wasn't allowed to be with them in the playground or sit on the benches."

"Why not honey?"

"I wasn't wearing the right hair clips.  Can I have the same hair clips mummy?"

A three minute description of the hair clips and where to get them followed. Her bottom lip stuck out and her eyes dropped to the floor.

One thought crossed my mind instantly - I hate this.

I never seemed to fit in anywhere at school. My awesome dad was in the air force and we moved every two-three years. New schools, new uniforms, new hair clips.  The school skirt for one school was completely out of fashion for the next.  I had no idea about fashion anyway and ended up going for what I liked.  In the long term that was a great philosophy but it didn't work with... well the 'hair clip' girls.

Jane has always liked pretty things. As I had two boys before Jane I revelled in it.  Before she was out of the buggy she pointed and signed the Makaton for diamond as we past the brightly lit jewellery stores in the American style shopping malls.

She's been pleased with pretty dresses and accessories. If I liked jeans and trainers, why couldn't she like dresses and sparkly leggings?

And whilst I supported Jane with the idea that not being allowed onto the bench because of her clothes or accessories was very silly of Emma, I couldn't help but think in my head - I'll get you the best damn hair clips there are and show that Emma what's what....

I have two older boys, both have autism and are mostly concerned with their own opinions and interest.  Frankly, I've always felt unprepared for these kind of conversations with Jane. I blamed our materialistic society and so on and so forth.  But in my mind I clocked this up as something to learn about and be aware of.

In the latest Good Childhood Report by The Children's Society, the two areas of life that made children most unhappy was firstly school.. and secondly their appearance.  Girls told them they are more unhappy with their appearance than anything else.  For boys, it was worrying about their schoolwork. And it’s been this way since at least 1995 when the Society started their research.

The findings also show that over half of our kids say they hear comments or jokes about the appearance of their peers 'often' or 'all the time'.  They identified the most important quality for girls and boys to have at school is that they are 'good looking'.  Nearly half of girls think this is the most important quality.

The third most important qualities for girls to have was that they were funny... and 'have good clothes'. Working hard at school was one of the least important qualities mentioned.  Additionally, if a girl believes that having good clothes is important she is also, according to report, more unlikely to be happy.

Now I know kids will always be kids.  And trust me, as a mother of two out of three children with autism, ADHD and other things too, I know that kids can see differences.  But at the same time I want to make sure I help my daughter as she grows to have every opportunity for good mental health. My eldest son struggles with anxiety and I see how this can affect his life.

I also want to let my daughter grow into the woman she wants to be. But this means supporting her and allowing her to discover who this is too.  In some ways it's not so different from being mum to my boys, autistic or not.  I want all my kids to grow up to be what they want and how they want.  I may just have to become more familiar with sparkles and hair clips for Jane.   And that's great, as long as it's all for the right reasons.

Young Minds have very helpful information about 'body image' and places to find help.  

Visit them for more details.  

For further information from The Children's Society, please visit their website.