Why my autistic son hits only me

I'm stood at the kitchen counter, peanut buttering the nth bit of toast when David runs through from the living room at high speed.  I see him coming and try to put my hand out to lower his fist, but I'm too late. Sock, it smacks me in the back not that far from my kidneys.   I put my hand on my back, then bend my knees so I come down nearer to David's level, then say, "David, need help?"

Challenging behaviour is nothing unusual in an autism household.  Seems contrary given my common suggestion that parents don't need to be afraid of my son being around theirs.  The truth is that David hardly ever hurts anyone... anyone else that is except me.

You'll find many mums like me wear long sleeve tops all year round. It covers up the bruises, scratches or scars.

When he was younger it didn't hurt or mark - except for scratching of course.  I wasn't the only one who received a scratch when David was upset. But as he's got bigger, he doesn't hit anyone else really. Mostly, it's just me.  He's got stronger and sometimes it can really hurt.  My husband gets cross.  "We have to stop this Ann, one day he's going to really hurt you."

I know a lot of parents with autistic kids.  It's not really talked about.  I mean it's not exactly something that gets dropped into conversation.  

Plus there's the whole thing that I don't want someone to 'fix' my autistic son.  I just could do with helping him so he doesn't really hurt me one day.  

He's devastated when he does it too.  He's not very verbal but one of the things he does say is "Sorry Mummy" and strokes my back like a child patting a dog they've met in the street.  

Now he's dealing whatever he felt was so wrong he has to lash out and dealing with the fact that he's hurt me.   He's feelings are soo big... uncontrollably unhappy or hypnotically so. 

So why me and how do we help him?

Well, we are still working on the second part but....

Firstly, David sees me as the solution to most of his problems.  So if he has one that isn't getting fixed then I need to fix it.  It's been that way since birth right?  So it's still like that now according to David.  I'm not sure he sees this specifically as my fault, but lashing out is also a way of more than getting my attention.  

The iPad isn't working... smack.  

The dogs are barking and i find it loud... smack.

I'm feeling bad, but I don't know why and maybe I'm hungry and tired..  smack. 

For David, hitting doesn't happen often (or at least as often).  Some some families though I think this goes on a lot and is hidden.  I get this.  Probably hidden by fear of losing their child or being called a bad parent.   I think I'm become almost immune to noticing it... as it's part of a larger upset behaviour that I'm trying to help with.  Perhaps it happens more than I think. 

He sees us an interconnected when we are together.  In the same way newborns don't realise they are separate people from their mothers, David feels I should just know what is wrong and should be sorting out it.  Instead of saying he's hungry, he'll lash out.  The smack communicates.  

It's odd because although I'm the one who knows him best, sometimes I think he's better without me around. He has to be more independent as I'm not there to anticipate his problems and he has to sort things out or ask others for help.

This is ultimately part of our plan.  Get David to communicate and if this means going to after school  clubs so he spends time being himself (specialist ones) and learning to solve and communicate problems himself then it's a good thing.    And we can do this in other ways at home too by giving him independence and making him do things himself.  

It's easy to carry on doing everything when a child doesn't show a natural drive to become independent, but then for David, I could end up doing everything forever and he wouldn't understand that he needs to do things.  Even if that thing is to ask for help. 

Now mostly he can express by perhaps lying down on the floor (obviously still not ideal but far better) or sometimes lashes out at a cupboard or bangs on a table.  Thankfully this has rarely resulted in him accidentally hurting himself.

For me, it's been developing an patience that most people see as phenomenal.  Those in the know may think it more resignation or submission. Neither is true of course.   Calming David will not happen if I'm angry.  I can display upset but it takes only a small indication for David to see what has happened. It's a careful balance to manage each and every time.  And we hope that it is managed more often than not.  If you are going through something yourself, it's most important that you both stay safe.  The National Autistic Society have pages to help with distressed behaviours.