The day I hid I had kids with disabilities

It can be difficult to treat yourself when your kids have disabilities.  It's simply difficult to leave our kids with anyone so getting time to go to a spa for a treatment is fairly rare.  Sometimes the hubby and I get time out by ourselves, and on a special occasion,  I may even spend that time with just me.   And that's just what happened when I recently spent my spa voucher I got as a gift.

I booked in for a body scrub.  It sounded exciting, and more importantly I could fit it in between various school related activities. I love going to a spa for a treatment.  I love the big hot showers, the fluffy bathrobes and even the floppy flat flannel slippers I get to wear while I sip a mint tea.

A smiley lady called Sarah came to get me for my treatment.  Some people like to chat while they have their treatments and others don't.  I'm in the 'don't mind' camp, or at least I was - now I'm not so sure.

I had my treatment explained and lay back on the lovely warm bed.  The candle light flickered, the smell of lavender wafted past my nose and the tinkly music filled the air.  I took a deep breath.  It felt like the first proper breath I had drawn in ages.

I relaxed.

Sarah asked if I'd had many treatments before.

"Not many recently (!), I used to have them more often, before the kids. But my youngest started school in September and I can suddenly fit in this type of thing again, " I smiled.

"That's nice. I've got all that too look forward to," Sarah replied.

"Hmm?"

"We are 10 weeks pregnant. I'm so excited.  How many children do you have?"

"Err (I actually have to think for a moment)... three. Two boys and our youngest is a girl."

"Amazing, I don't know how you do it. I'm petrified and all a buzz at the same time.  It must be amazing to have three kids running around."

And I said "Yes, they are amazing."

"I've just had the Downs test and that came back low, so it's full steam ahead," she said.

I stopped myself.  Yes, I think 'Down's Syndrome' is the proper way of saying it but that wasn't the main thing I picked up.  It seemed to me (and I could be mistaken) that lovely Sarah felt she had got over the 'potential disability hurdle'.

As a mother of two autistic boys who also have diagnoses of ADHD, hypermobility and dyspraxia, I had to bite my lip a little.   The truth was that this very excited, slightly younger than me, lady, did not want to know the statistics of kids born with autism or any of the other things in our diagnosis list.

I stayed quiet.

When she noticed the bruises on my arms, and said she bruised easily too, I smiled. I didn't say it's because my autistic son hits me.

When she said she would be careful about the scratches on my legs, I didn't say it was because my son wakes several times every night and kicks me in the bed as he bounces about.   I said I understood about poor sleep when she talked about her early morning sickness, but didn't say why I was kept awake.

When she said she was thinking about having nine months off and then going back to work, I didn't say why I only went back part time.

When she asked what I had to do after the treatment, I said I had to pick up the kids.  I didn't mention it was the school run from hell to different mainstream and specialist schools, that has to happen in the car and then I'd be in a rush to make music therapy.

When she asked if I worked, I said it was mostly looking after my kids and did some evening teaching. I didn't say I wrote an autism blog, that I was a trustee for a disabled children's charity or details what 'looking after my kids' actually entailed.

I hid their disabilities.

Did I do the right thing?

Honestly I don't know.

We've had to jump through hoops to get my boys on the right paths for their education.  The family has had difficult times when we've gone out.  I've had broken sleep for nearly ten years, and the sleep clinic has recently confirmed, this is unlikely to change. One of my boys will be on medication for many years to help him with some of his difficulties.  One of my boys is like a quarter of all autistic people in the fact that he is pre/non-verbal.   We've been to A&E for things related to their difficulties on several occasions. This is just a glimpse into some of our challenges.

What held me back?

At that moment, Sarah had a whole wide future in front of her.  She was, most likely, emotional, excited and worried about what her life would be like with a newborn.  Let's face it, any baby turns your world upside down. I know how it feels, because I felt it too.

Dear Sarah, was only 10 weeks into a rollercoaster ride of all sorts.  I was so worried about things going wrong with the pregnancy, we didn't even tell our parents until after the 12 week scan. I guess Sarah didn't need additional worries.  She didn't need to think she may have had her last night's good sleep for the next 20 years.  She didn't need to think about the possibility that her child may hit her or others.  She didn't need to think that education for them would be a mountain of paperwork.

However, I may have omitted these details, but I didn't lie either.

I said I was proud of my kids, and I truly am.   The caring nature of our daughter, the special moment of a connection with our pre-vernal son and the truly magical moment our eldest decided he was who he was, autism and all and all highlights.

I said my kids were amazing, because they are.  The way the our son's have created ways to cope with daily life is inspiring and the way my daughter looks out for them is so grown-up.

I said my kids are the apple of my eye, because I love them to pieces.   I said I worry about them, but every parents does right?

But as I left the spa that day I felt odd.  I wished Sarah 'all the best' and thanked her for my treatment. My body felt better, my mind relaxed but my heart a bit heavy.  Had a done wrong by my kids?   I don't think so, but I felt a bit uneasy.

I went on the school-run from hell with it's calamity of pick-ups, and kissed, hugged and squeezed my children in turn. When we got home we settled in the routines of homework, iPads and dinners. We even had a relatively stress free bedtime.

I tucked all the kids into their beds (several times for one of our sons) and smiled with delight as each made their best effort to say 'love you' and 'goodnight' back to me.  Life may not be what I expected when I was pregnant with our first child all those years ago, but, it sure is special none the less.