What I see now my autistic sons are at school

I visited a playgroup I haven't been to in over a year.  In fact I haven't been to it much since David was really little. I tried to go for a while before David went to preschool.  Honestly I tried.

At the time David was three years old and Jane was a year.   The local church had two playgroups, one for kids up to two and a half years and one for older kids. If you had an older child and a baby then you went to the bigger age group.  I had cheated a bit and stayed in the younger group for longer than I should have done. Truth is I should have just stayed there.

David wasn't ready for the bigger children or the structure of the older kids play group.   Whereas his older autistic brother had some level of communication at three years, David still didn't really.  He struggled with sharing anything, struggled with sitting for snack, ran around during the quiet story time and screamed during all the changes of activities.  I spent more time worrying about him than I did baby Jane.  I was constantly watching the kids like a hawk; waiting for something to go wrong. Some days were better than others but our bad days seemed terrible. Looking back it wasn't that much fun really. I felt like everyone was looking at my son and then at me.  It looked to me like many parents seemed to ignore their kids and this made it harder for David.

Now, David is at school, a different one to his brother, but it's full time.  Jane will be starting reception in September.  She is already attending pre-school in the afternoons and is getting to the point where she wants activity in the morning too.  So I went back to the playgroup.

And I noticed something. Something that surprised me.

Jane is very capable. She can play on her own and she loves playing with me too. Dressing up, creative activities and listening to stories are all good.  Yes, sometimes she is a bit shy but she usually gets over it.  Yesterday there was a pal from her pre-school at the playgroup and she thought this was brilliant. When I wasn't required, I was barely needed. And that's when I saw it.

I saw a parent trying to fend of a little toddler while telling a little girl not to pull another's hair. "I don't have to hold you all the time for goodness sake," she said to the toddler who was pawing at her leg.

I saw a mum ask her son to sit down at least five times whilst he ran around during the story and refused to take off the spiderman costume.  Then in an effort to get the costume off, mum got kicked in the face.  The soles of kids shoes are not soft - this I know all to well.

I saw a girl and boy fighting over a dinosaur one moment and a car the next.  And the mother sighing and "Can't you behave for just one minute?"

The mum, that looks soo tired (something I still get).

And whilst I offered to hold crying baby number one whilst mummy changed soggy baby number two, I realised that I wasn't the only one that found play groups difficult.

Yes it's true that being autistic made some things difficult for my boys and us. And yes, it's the case that this was often misunderstood by others. Telling my son off when he ran around was not on my agenda.  That wasn't how he or I could work.  And in the end we found mainstream or regular play groups too difficult to attend with David. But there were a few mums who I'd bet would rather have been at home that morning than in the chaos that their kids appeared to be creating.

And I realised that despite being different, in some ways we were 'normal'. I probably wasn't the only one having a hard time at playgroup.

Our bad days might be a bit more ferocious, but by being consumed by the difficulties magnitude of an autistic meltdown David may have been having, I didn't see that others were having a tough time too.  And by leaving that playgroup and taking what appeared to be the most disruptive child away, another child became the one causing most of the trouble.  At least in some ways autism gave us a bit of an excuse. It's possible I even had a holier than thou type attitude, that I feel a bit embarrassed about now.

So to the mum struggling with whatever it is today, I understand. And I'm sorry I didn't notice. We all have tough days and it's OK.  How can I help?