A terrifying reminder that all my children are vulnerable

I used to think some of the parents collecting their kids from the school were insane. They'd be stood chatting away with a selection of small children milling and running around them. What are they doing? The road is right there, I thought.

You see despite having three kids myself I couldn't ever let them all loose like that. Both Anthony and David are autistic. Along with having little awareness of danger, neither of them would follow instructions. David was in a buggy until he was five years old as he wasn't safe otherwise. They are vulnerable kids. Vulnerable to bullying, vulnerable to being taken advantage of, and vulnerable to danger.

Fast forward a couple of year and we had Jane. The complete opposite of the boys in a lot of ways. Before she was three years old she'd already got an understanding of some complicated concepts. I was surprised when she understood that Nemo's mum had died in Finding Nemo. She's struggles with the reality of this and has recently declared that only pretend people die. I think as a way of coping with the idea. She follows most instructions with delight and asks questions to understand things. Suddenly I got those parents at the school gate. Jane was like one of those kids. She understood things.  She didn't just run off.  Mostly she was safe.

But mostly is the point. Mostly she puts the toys away and mostly she'll put on her shoes when asked. And mostly she will stop at a road.

Today Jane and I went to a friends house for a play date. Something of a rarity for us as it wasn't something that ever happened with the boys. When our boys don't play like everyone else's, play dates are a bit pointless.

After the play date it was time for preschool. The girls ran a little way ahead, I chatted with the other mum then a moment later the girls were much further ahead. By the road.

"STOP," we shouted.

And the girls did. Jane stood to attention at the end of the kerb. Like she does ..nearly all of the time. But nearly all of the time is not good enough is it.

Suddenly Jane looked over the road. A second later a car came past us and another second later, Jane had turned towards the road and disappeared behind a parked SUV.

I saw it all in slow motion. Despite having immediately started running up the path, the car was getting closer to my daughter and she towards it. I knew I couldn't get there to stop anything, the distance was too great. I wasn't even nearly close enough.

"JANE!" I screamed in a desperate attempt to prevent what almost looked like the inevitable. Car and child blindly hurtled towards each other on a collision course.

I thought it was going to be the worst day of my life.

Then, the car slowed as it approached the junction and Jane popped back out from behind the parked vehicle. I stopped still on the pavement. The relief poured through my shaking body.  The girls seemed to be frozen for a second. The fear on my face hit Jane pretty quickly.

"I'm sorry mummy. I was having a race," she mumbled through a panicked look.

After dropping the girls at preschool I jumped in the car to the supermarket. I have rarely driven more slowly. The scene replayed in my head over and over. I parked in the supermarket car park and sat there for a moment. I thought I was going to be sick.

Later after I picked Jane up from preschool we talked about how sad I was. We talked about how to stay safe. The whole family has just taken part in a 'how to stay safe' competition. A prize for every correct suggestion on how to stay safe. With the help of her older brother, Jane can now recite:

• Staying near mummy 
• Holding mummy's hand 
• Staying on the pavement 
• Do as mummy asks 

And probably the best one for Jane today

• Stop AND wait

Mostly Jane follows instructions, and indeed she did stop. I'd been given a false sense of security I never had with the boys.  This would never have happened with them, because they were so obviously unsafe.  Today was a terrifying reminder that my most capable child is still a child and so vulnerable by extension. I know this may all have sounded a bit over the top - nothing happened. My daughter just stepped out into a road. But trust me, it's not something I'm going to forget, I don't ever want to replay that scene again.